Today was not a good day and the past few months have not been either if I am truly honest with myself. There are just things going on that I am having a hard time understanding and when I say something people look at me like I am crazy. Are they looking at me because I am crazy or is it that I just don’t take anything from anyone since Melissa died? Everyone expects me to just say ok and do what they say or agree with whatever it is they are doing. Well I am tired of being the person that people pile stuff on and say oh its ok she can do it or handle it. Guess what people I can’t or better yet do not want to. I am tired of letting things just roll off my back because I don’t want to hurt anyone feeling and want everyone to be happy and not mad at me. Well 52 years of that has got me no where so when I tell you how I truly feel don’t be surprised because I cannot keep all of this bottled up inside of me. I feel like a ticking time bomb and it is fixing to blow.
I cannot tell you the last time I went to church, I am so ashamed but I just cannot get up and walk into the building and remember how happy Melissa was standing there marrying the man of her life and then not 6 months later I am getting the horrible phone call. I believe in God and I know without a shadow of doubt that she is with him right now and he did not say on April23rd ok today I am going to have someone run Melissa off the road. He is not that kind of God he gives us free will and that is what happened the driver of the truck chose to run her off the road and God chose to bring her home with him. I know it was for something great as God only does great and mighty things. So why then is it hard for me to go to his house and worship him; I don’t know but what I do know is I have to get over this and don’t know how. Why am I telling you all of this who knows maybe to explain why I feel like a ticking time bomb I don’t know. Is it the devil talking to me and trying to and succeeding in keeping me from church well he may be winning there but he is not winning from keeping me from loving our almighty God. I will take all the prayers I can get to get me over this mountain I am climbing so if you’re a Christian and feel lead to pray for me please do so.
But on a very HAPPY note we are starting to plan my son’s wedding to his wonderful Lauren and I am thrilled she is letting me help in all kinds of ways.
Always remember I love you all to the moon and back.
