16 Months and the Pain is Real

When I started my blog it was my goal to blog daily in hopes of getting me through the loss of my daughter. A place where I could go and vent my feeling and not have to worry about what any one said or thought because it was my blog. As you can see I have not been faithful in doing that nor have I been faithful in going to Church and worshiping our Great and Mighty God that carried me the first few weeks after Melissa death. Every Saturday I make plans on going the next morning and then my lazy self does not get out of bed. This morning I even ask Larry to go and he said yes and I looked at the clock and said OK I have 10 minutes to lie in bed and the next thing I knew it was 2 hours later. I do have to say I am praying daily for God to help me and keep the devil away as he is there on my shoulder. Is he the reason; no I have to take responsibility for my actions and I have to get it together and I am hoping that me taking this Beth Moore Bible Study Class on Wednesday night helps me.

Today as all of America was remembering the hero’s and victims of September 11, 2001 my heart ached for their family and friends especially when they played Amazing Grace in Bag Pipes. I just wish I could talk to one of them to ask questions as to how they managed to get through this horrible life changing event. As some of these people were left to be single parents and the children were left either knowing and missing their parents or not ever knowing them. I know I know I should look at the positive things I had with Melissa and that she left no small child behind to miss their mommy. However this is so hard I could just scream to the top of my lungs. WHEN WILL THIS GET EASIER? But also when I do this I want an answer and I know I won’t get one so what do I do?

My health has not been the greatest since 1999 however it seems to be getting worse with little things that mount up to a lot of pain from my head down you will hear me say at times I wish I could take my head off and I would feel better. I can’t help but think that the sadness I feel is not helping at all. I feel sorry for the people who have to put up with me and I am trying not to be a cry baby all the time. I even gave Larry the option to leave as he did not sign up for all this 33 years ago and all he did was look at me with a blank stare. He said I think our Wedding vowels were for better or worse and that was the end of that discussion. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband loves me so very much. I am so ready to be pain free and be a good wife, mother, daughter, grandmother and friend so that is another thing you could pray for as nothing is working so far that the doctors have done. I go back on the 21^st of September to the pain doctor maybe he can come up with something else.

We had another great Sunday night Dinner with Lauren, Gavin and Diana and we worked on Lauren and Trey wedding things until I broke the printer. Oh how I am praying that after I call the help desk people with HP they can tell me how to  fix it. We have way too much too due for me to be without a printer so with all this I am going to call it a night take a shower and go to bed and work on my  Bible Study.

  Love you all to the Moon and Back