I made it.

Saturday night after Thanksgiving and we are setting home doing nothing does this mean we are getting older? Hope not because I don’t want to think of myself as getting old, I like to think of the saying you’re only as old as you feel.

We made it through Thanksgiving with just a few tears of Melissa not being with us. We put the fresh flowers on her gravesite and that was hard but Larry and I pulled it together to have a nice dinner with Trey, Lauren, Gavin and Diana (Lauren mom). Trey had to work that morning so we had a later lunch early dinner. We had our menu all planned between me and Diana then Trey calls and tells us what he was bringing. OMG so much food we could have feed a small army and had left overs. The food was amazingly good and we all ate too much and then regretted it. Our little Gavin found out he like Brussel Sprouts he even ask for 2^nd. Now our desserts were even more amazing way too many but they were great and still have left overs. Trey made Sangria and it was REALLY good, yes I had a class well actually 3 or 4. Maybe that is why it was such a good day? No just kidding I was not drunk but I had Trey a little worried on the 3^rd glass but I was adding tea and that made it not as strong.
Lauren, Diana, Larry and I played cards (spades) not really sure who won just found out that Lauren does not like to lose. Will have to remember that one and remind Trey. LOL He was watching football and Gavin while we played. Then A&M and Texas game came on so the card game stopped. A divided house is what Trey and Lauren will be; now that could be interesting.
The next 2 days have been spent getting car and truck worked on; getting blood work done that should have been done weeks ago. Then shopping for my new great niece and nephew for Christmas and a couple of things for Gavin. Both Stefanie and Katie had babies this month Stefanie had a baby girl and named her Caylee Ann and Katie had a baby boy name Kyler Lee. I have not been able to see either one of them as Stefanie lives in OK and Katie here in Texas but this weekend was just a bit too much to handle going to see a new baby when missing Melissa and knowing I would never get to hold a grandbaby from her. That is very painful and I don’t want to make Katie or anyone feel bad when this is a very happy time for them. I will get there but in a couple of weeks. Caylee might not get to see her until Trey wedding. (Sad face)
Today I never left the house however I made a big step towards healing and put up our Christmas tree and decorated my tables and put out some of my snowmen and women. The tree has no ornaments yet just up with the lights. Melissa always put them on and last year Trey and Lauren did it. But they’re not here they are at the deer lease so this year it may just get ribbons and bow.  
I know I am still not in a good place with Melissa gone but I know I am getting there. I just have to get through Christmas then I will be really focusing in on getting things done for Trey’s wedding along with getting my resume all ready to begin sending out. March 30, 2012 will be here before I know it and will be without a job and then the wedding not a month later so a lot will be going on that will keep me busy which is what I need along with God and a lot of prayers.

Snowman w/year on them

My breakfast table

My Formal Dinning Room

Just a few of my snowmen and women

With the light off to show how the one lights up

My tree with no ornaments

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas.

I Love You all to the Moon and Back !!!!!!

Another Holiday without our baby girl.

It is 10:00pm the night before Thanksgiving and I have no desire to do anything pertaining to Thanksgiving. I did get the fruit salad made, dessert ready, and fixing to help Larry get the turkey ready to go in the smoker. But really I could care less, the only thing I want to do is sleep but I know that is not health for me. So I am pushing myself to do things to try and keep my mind off of know that we will be missing my precious sweet Melissa again this year and the next and next. We won’t ever have her for the Holidays or special events like her big brother’s wedding coming up. She would be so happy for him as she loved Lauren and Gavin. She already wanted to spoil him rotten before she was taken from us. I keep thinking how much Gavin would have loved his Aunt Melissa and I want him to know about her but how do I tell a 4 year old about her. Since I have no clue how to I guess we will wait till he is older and can understand what a special person she was and tell him about the first time she meet him and gave him ice cream even though he didn’t eat his dinner. She kept him entertained while we all visited with one another.  She would have been proud to see Jon made friends with him as well.

I will go visit her tomorrow but not where I would ever want to visit her. Someone ask me today why I would want to put myself through getting upset on Thanksgiving. My reply was “You must have never lost a child or you would not be asking me that. As I then told her I will be upset regardless at least this way I can brighten her headstone with pretty flowers and know she is watching from above thinking my mom really loves me.” Then I turned and walked away because what I really wanted to say was not something a Christian would say. Plus why would I do something that would make God sad when it is him who has helped me get through this horrible storm.

I have to get myself together for Trey, Larry, Lauren and my little Gavin as he cannot see his Nana upset. So as I am going to bed now I am going to pray hard for God to get me through my 2^nd Holiday without our girl.

Melissa I know you’re watching and know that we love you but I have to say it anyway

I love you to the moon and back as well as all my other family and friends.                                      

Work

Wow what a long day. With this being a short week today I was hoping for an easy week boy was I wrong. Today was a lot of work and big headaches that took extra time to work on. A coworker from Charlotte called around 4:30 and need 2 bills rated correctly like yesterday. So as I am working trying to audit these 2 bills she is telling me how thankful she was to have me to work with when she needed things done in a hurry. I laugh and said OH anyone of us in my department can do it. At that point she said no I was the only one that would work with her and that she didn’t know what she would do without me. I told her well in 5 months you will know. WHAT came from her next and I explained that my department was getting laid off and our last day was March 30. She was very upset and asks me what I was going to do and I just explain that I did not know yet that God had not revealed that part of his plan to me. But I sure that it was be grand whatever it is. I could tell by her voice she was smiling and she said I knew you were a Christian and we have never really met each other in person. I ask how and she said it showed in my voice and my work. By this point I was almost in tears as I though Yeah I am doing what God wants; but will be leaving behind someone that will really need some help someday down the road and I won’t be there. So I know my prayer will be for the coworkers I will be leaving behind in 131 days as they will be over worked and very much underpaid. As well as prayers for all of the others that will be laid off with me. I know God has great thinks planned for us as my faith in God reassures me of this; but I wonder about those who don’t have the faith in God how they are getting through this storm.

So I will go back tomorrow and the next 131 days and give it my all regardless if I am upset with my company for their decisions they have made. Why because I want to do everything I do for the glory of the one who made me. “God” as that is what Steven Curtis Chapman has also taught me.

Good night to all my wonderful family and friends remember I love you to the moon and back.                                                     

Angry

Our last Christmas with Melissa 2009

                                                                                

Well today was a rough day, I guess if I am being honest it started yesterday. I am really missing my Melissa a lot. Then this morning it was chilly so I need a light jacket to wear and I go to the closet to grab a pull over jacket. As I am putting it on I could smell something and it hit me it was the jacket Trey gave me the last year we had Melissa for Christmas and it snowed like crazy. We had the best Christmas ever except for Jon not being there. After getting home she borrow my jacket and brings it backs hangs it in the hall closet. I have not worn it since and when I pulled it out I could smell her. I went to pieces oh how do I miss her and the tears came down and didn’t stop until I got to work. Did not take my jacket off until 3pm when it got hot.

 I never want to wash it again; it’s the last thing I have that really helps me remember her smell. I know that I will have to wash it someday and that is when it hit me I am not as sad, hurt, upset anymore I am just very angry. Now if I just knew who or what I was angry at. I know it’s not God and I know it’s not the guy who ran her off the road because I know he did not mean to kill her and I have forgiven him. Where is this anger coming from or who is it towards I just keep asking myself that question and if this is part of the grieving process well it needs to hurry up and pass. I have got to get it together for my family as it will be hard enough on them this year as well without me being a basket case.

To all my wonderful family and friends I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you don’t gain to much weight. lOL

Love you to the moon and back J

Healing

Where has the time gone since I last blogged. Well I got back into church and started a bible study so with that and helping to plan Trey and Lauren wedding. I have been very busy along with trying to get Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet up and running. I have done a few parties so be sure and check that out on face book. I find it amazing how God leads you to do things just at the right time. Like for instance just when I started going back to church there was a ladies bible study was on David by Beth Moore so I started the class. Wow has it made me come to terms with my life and what I have been through the past 19 months. It has really helped in my healing process and taught me so much. 

I have also learned that at the end of March I will be laid off as my company is outsourcing my job to India. For those of you who don’t know I work in Customer Service Compliances Audit Department at Maersk Line. I am auditing the bills of lading before they go out to the customer and for the customers with rate disputes.  Along with working with colleges to ensure we follow all FMC Regulations.  I am not sure at this time what God has planned for me so I am still in the decision making stage as what I am going to do once I am laid off.  So if you would keep your eyes and ears open for me that would be the wonderful.

Lauren and Trey

Meredith and Matt at the Candy Buffet

On a fun note Trey best friend Matt got married on November 5, 2011 and Trey was the co-Best Man. The wedding was so beautiful and Matt married a wonderful young woman Meredith we all love her to pieces. Trey just amazed me with his speech he did so good and yes Matt’s mom and I cried like babies and we get to do it again in April at Trey wedding. I also had the pleasure of doing a candy buffet for them and their entire guest. It was a lot of fun to see everyone enjoying it even the adults. 

So as you can see my life is not as sad as it once was. It is getting better however; I want everyone to know it is only by the grace of God that I am healing and if I can say anything to anyone is to trust and fully rely on God and you can get through any storm in your life. Trust me I know as you hear people say” Been there done that” well I have been through some terrible storms and he carried me all the way. You know I now understand the poem Footprints in the Sand.

Good Night All and remember I Love you all to the Moon and Back.

Cindy

Busy

Where has the time gone since I last blogged. Well I got back into church and started a bible study so with that and helping to plan Trey and Lauren wedding I have been very busy along with trying to get Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet up and running. I have done a few parties so be sure and check that out on face book. I find it amazing how God leads you to do things just at the right time. Like for instance just when I started going back to church there was a ladies bible study was on David by Beth Moore so I started the class. Wow has it made me come to terms with my life and what I have been through the past 19 months. It has really helped in my healing process and taught me so much. 

Trey and Lauren they are next to get married.

I have also learned that at the end of March I will be laid off as my company is outsourcing my job to India. For those of you who don’t know I work in Customer Service/ Compliances Audit Department at Maersk Line. I am auditing the bills of lading before they go out to the customer and for the customers with rate disputes.  Along with working with colleges to ensure we follow all FMC Regulations.  I am not sure at this time what God has planned for me so I am still in the decision making stage as what I am going to do once I am laid off.  So if you would keep your eyes and ears open for me that would be the wonderful.

On a fun note Trey best friend Matt got married on November 5, 2011 and Trey was the co-Best Man. The wedding was so beautiful and Matt married a wonderful young woman Meredith we all love her to pieces. Trey just amazed me with his speech he did so good and yes Matt’s mom and I cried like babies and we get to do it again in April at Trey wedding. I also had the pleasure of doing a candy buffet for them and their entire guest. It was a lot of fun to see everyone enjoying it even the adults. 

Bride,Groom and their best men and maids of honor after they each made a toast.

So as you can see my life is not as sad as it once was. It is getting better however; I want everyone to know it is only by the grace of God that I am healing and if I can say anything to anyone is to trust and fully rely on God and you can get through any storm in your life. Trust me I know as you hear people say" Been there Done that well I have been through some terrible storms and he carried me all the way. You know I now understand the poem Footprints in the Sand.

Good Night All and remember I Love you all to the Moon and Back.

Cindy

16 Months and the Pain is Real

When I started my blog it was my goal to blog daily in hopes of getting me through the loss of my daughter. A place where I could go and vent my feeling and not have to worry about what any one said or thought because it was my blog. As you can see I have not been faithful in doing that nor have I been faithful in going to Church and worshiping our Great and Mighty God that carried me the first few weeks after Melissa death. Every Saturday I make plans on going the next morning and then my lazy self does not get out of bed. This morning I even ask Larry to go and he said yes and I looked at the clock and said OK I have 10 minutes to lie in bed and the next thing I knew it was 2 hours later. I do have to say I am praying daily for God to help me and keep the devil away as he is there on my shoulder. Is he the reason; no I have to take responsibility for my actions and I have to get it together and I am hoping that me taking this Beth Moore Bible Study Class on Wednesday night helps me.

Today as all of America was remembering the hero’s and victims of September 11, 2001 my heart ached for their family and friends especially when they played Amazing Grace in Bag Pipes. I just wish I could talk to one of them to ask questions as to how they managed to get through this horrible life changing event. As some of these people were left to be single parents and the children were left either knowing and missing their parents or not ever knowing them. I know I know I should look at the positive things I had with Melissa and that she left no small child behind to miss their mommy. However this is so hard I could just scream to the top of my lungs. WHEN WILL THIS GET EASIER? But also when I do this I want an answer and I know I won’t get one so what do I do?

My health has not been the greatest since 1999 however it seems to be getting worse with little things that mount up to a lot of pain from my head down you will hear me say at times I wish I could take my head off and I would feel better. I can’t help but think that the sadness I feel is not helping at all. I feel sorry for the people who have to put up with me and I am trying not to be a cry baby all the time. I even gave Larry the option to leave as he did not sign up for all this 33 years ago and all he did was look at me with a blank stare. He said I think our Wedding vowels were for better or worse and that was the end of that discussion. I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband loves me so very much. I am so ready to be pain free and be a good wife, mother, daughter, grandmother and friend so that is another thing you could pray for as nothing is working so far that the doctors have done. I go back on the 21^st of September to the pain doctor maybe he can come up with something else.

We had another great Sunday night Dinner with Lauren, Gavin and Diana and we worked on Lauren and Trey wedding things until I broke the printer. Oh how I am praying that after I call the help desk people with HP they can tell me how to  fix it. We have way too much too due for me to be without a printer so with all this I am going to call it a night take a shower and go to bed and work on my  Bible Study.

  Love you all to the Moon and Back

Life

Today was not a good day and the past few months have not been either if I am truly honest with myself. There are just things going on that I am having a hard time understanding and when I say something people look at me like I am crazy. Are they looking at me because I am crazy or is it that I just don’t take anything from anyone since Melissa died? Everyone expects me to just say ok and do what they say or agree with whatever it is they are doing. Well I am tired of being the person that people pile stuff on and say oh its ok she can do it or handle it. Guess what people I can’t or better yet do not want to. I am tired of letting things just roll off my back because I don’t want to hurt anyone feeling and want everyone to be happy and not mad at me. Well 52 years of that has got me no where so when I tell you how I truly feel don’t be surprised because I cannot keep all of this bottled up inside of me. I feel like a ticking time bomb and it is fixing to blow.
I cannot tell you the last time I went to church, I am so ashamed but I just cannot get up and walk into the building and remember how happy Melissa was standing there marrying the man of her life and then not 6 months later I am getting the horrible phone call. I believe in God and I know without a shadow of doubt that she is with him right now and he did not say on April23rd ok today I am going to have someone run Melissa off the road. He is not that kind of God he gives us free will and that is what happened the driver of the truck chose to run her off the road and God chose to bring her home with him. I know it was for something great as God only does great and mighty things. So why then is it hard for me to go to his house and worship him; I don’t know but what I do know is I have to get over this and don’t know how. Why am I telling you all of this who knows maybe to explain why I feel like a ticking time bomb I don’t know. Is it the devil talking to me and trying to and succeeding in keeping me from church well he may be winning there but he is not winning from keeping me from loving our almighty God. I will take all the prayers I can get to get me over this mountain I am climbing so if you’re a Christian and feel lead to pray for me please do so.
But on a very HAPPY note we are starting to plan my son’s wedding to his wonderful Lauren and I am thrilled she is letting me help in all kinds of ways.
 Always remember I love you all to the moon and back.

Smiles

Well today at work was so peaceful, so nice after a long hard weekend. I do have to admit I never thought I would hear myself saying I was ready to go to work. I love staying home and doing craft and things and would really like to be able to just stay home so I could volunteer at church. But right now God has me working and that was good for me today. Last night when I was totally exhausted when a conversation starts.

Larry “Cindy you need to get on Facebook and look.” Me “At what I am tired and don’t want to?” Larry “Just look” Me “Alright but it better be good.” So I get up and log on and there it was the best picture of my son at 27 years of age I had ever seen of him with a smile. Don’t get me wrong when he was a baby there was no one cuter in my eyes but as he got older he never smiled. A lot of it had to do with all the dental work he had to have done and then he just never seemed to give us a big smile. But last night on Facebook there he was bigger than life with the biggest smile on his face along with his fiancée Lauren. I though wow has he been drinking or is it love? Then I see where one of his friends even commented on his smile, so me being the mother that I am I had to ask and after no response I texted him and ask still no response. Boy I though he is either drinking or doesn’t want me to let me know or he is not and mad at me for even thinking he was. So I left it alone then about 30 minutes later he calls and tells me he is taking Lauren home and then he would be home and that his phone died and he didn’t want me to worry. Yes he was using Laurens phone and yes he still lives at home to save money for when they get married and we are very close and he just likes being with us. But the mother in me had to ask while I had him on the phone what got him to smile so big and he just said “Oh mom” However deep in my heart I knew why he had the big smile and it is because he is with the girl that just makes him silly inside I believe they call that love. I am so happy for him and can’t wait for them to start with the wedding plans and being able to help when I can. Larry and I are both very happy for him like we said before and are thankful God has given him a wonderful young woman to love and take care of and she even comes with a wonderful blessing named Gavin. He is our G-man and we love them all to the moon and back.

See I told you it was a big smile

They both look so happy.

                                                                    

Well it has been awhile since my last blog but I have very busy. Along with working full time I started a business with Lauren and have been working hard on getting things bought and everything else that goes with starting a new small business. We created a company that is Event Planning specializing in Candy Buffet and the name of it is Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet. I have done them before with one of my best friends Michelle however she is moving to Florida and so I decided I could do it on my own and Lauren my future daughter n law is going to do it with me. We have a face book page so check it out and click like of course only if you do.

We did our first one together for a baby shower that I gave for my niece Stefanie this past weekend. I do have to say it was a lot of work but turned out very nice. Now don’t get me wrong I am not total new at this I give lots of parties, showers, socials for church and did my daughter’s wedding in 6 weeks with Michelle help. Along with the Candy buffet we did a photo table of the mother to be of all her baby pictures and then the food table as well. And she is having a girl so of course I was pumped at being able to do it all in pink since that is my favorite color. I really think Stefanie was happy with it and we had a wonderful turn out and she received a lot of great gifts. Ms. Caylee should be set for a while and she is having another shower where she lives in OK so they will be in good shape.Then today I had a movie date with my future grandson Gavin and his Grandma Diana (Lauren mom). We went to see Winnie the Pooh after we convinced him that Trey would take him to see the movie Cars. See we are still kids at heart and wanted to see Pooh; Piglet and Eyore it was a great movie. So now I am just being lazy in my recliner and will be heading to bed soon so I can be ready for work this week. Hopefully this week will not be as crazy and I can rest some and I will be getting my first oil shot in my knee so praying it will help me even more. I am so ready to be back active again and not limping all the time. I hope you all have a great week and remember I love you to the moon and  back.                           

Candy Buffet for Baby Shower

Food Table at Baby Shower

Pictures of Stefanie when she was a baby

Gift Table

                     

She said Yes

You can now call me the mother of the groom to be and yes I am as pleased as a pig in a blanket.  Trey asks Lauren Harwell to marry him on June 30, 2011 at Greystone Castle in Mingus Texas.  We are all so excited that they are together and will be getting married. We are not only lucky enough to be gaining a daughter but we are getting a 3 year old grandson name Gavin and he already calls me Nana and my heart melts. As for Larry he is still calling him Mr. Warry and not sure how or what we will get him to start calling him it will be fun to see what comes of it. He is so darn cute and just 100% all boy and we love having the time we get with him as he plays with his trucks and outside with Treys dog Abby. I am so blessed that God brought Lauren into Trey’s life and ours as she has been an angel for us since losing Melissa. I am just so happy that they did get to meet each other and I know she is smiling from Heaven along with grandpa Zingelmann and my dad as he would really like Lauren a lot and I mean a lot because she likes to hunt and fish which is something he loved along with my mom and brother. Now me forget it I don’t like either one sure glad Trey does as that will be something they can do together. However she does like to shop and everyone knows I do as well and when we get a day to shop we can tear it up and maybe spend a lot of money or none at all but you can bet we have a great time together. Her parents are wonderful as well as we have already spent Holidays together with Trey and without him and been to the boat show and other things all with Trey living in Mingus which we did miss him but now he is back here so he won't have to miss out.  So I believe it is safe to say they will have a great support system as they begin their new chapters in this life that God has given them. Not to mention all the other family and friends that they both have.  We have no clue when the big day will be due to Trey just starting his new job but I am guessing sometime next year. But I can tell you I will enjoy every minute of the wedding planning should I have the pleasure of helping plan the big day. I want to be a good mother n law but I sure hope and pray they let me help them when I can. I do know since I own my own business Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet I am sure we will have that at the reception.

Trey and Lauren; Dad and I love you both and Gavin to the moon and back and look forward to our family getting larger.

Below are pictures that Diana and Jon (Treys friends) at GreyStone Castle took for us when  he proposed to Lauren and I thank them with all my heart.

Will you Marry Me?

She said Yes and does the ring fit ?

It fits and he goes for the kiss

Here comes the Champagne looks like he made a mess :)

Relax Trey she said Yes enjoy your drink

The journey begins

                                                               

Thankful for the True Friends Melissa had

Oh my goodness I am so thankful tomorrow is Friday. It has been a long week and with being out 3 weeks it has been harder getting back in the swing of things did not realize how tired I was. But hey made it so far and things going well even with meeting and all at work.

Tonight I had the pleasure of taking one of Melissa friends out to dinner. I knew Melissa had a great personality but did not realize how it made her so many friends until after we lost her. Wow did she have a bunch and many considered themselves her best friend but I have learned that not all of them were as good of a friend as she thought. Now I know girls can be girls and I am not talking about little arguments here and there. Melissa I have to admit was better than me at forgiving because some of the things some of the girls did to her I am not sure I could forgive enough to still be friends with them. I am talking about the true friends she had that loved her enough to have keep in contact with me and made sure her dad and I were always doing ok and took us out to dinner and did different things to help us get over missing Melissa so much. I am so thankful for Chelsea, Danielle, Robin, Christi and Stephanie. Words cannot express how great they are and I pray all 5 of them have a wonderful life and all their dreams come true. However what I realize today was that each one of these girls was raised up going to church. Now some of the other girls may have been raised in church I don’t know but it seems funny to me that I never see anything on these girls’ Facebook pages about parting and getting drunk.  I love being part of their life and am grateful that they allow me to be in their lives.

So tonight I am praising God for these wonderful girls.

Christi ,Me and Chelsea

Our friend Stephanie Faith

Danielle,Melissa,Christi and Robin (not sure who the other girls are this was taken at church) 

                                                                        

HI HO HI HO BACK TO WORK I GO !!!!

Well today was my first day back at work after being sick thus the reason for the Maersk blue ink. Boy was it a mess all the systems I need to do my job were not working on my PC and had to call the help desk (IT )several times to get that fixed, 1 meeting to go to as well. Oh and my email well we are all getting new email address and since I was out they gave my full name as my new email  L but ok I can live with that just thankful they did not use Cynthia. So they got the email up and I click on my inbox to fine 115 emails ok I can work with that. Then that is when it hits me I have 13 emails from a company called Mylife.com and it is telling me that this guy is looking for me and it is the guy that ran Melissa off the road in her fatal accident. I tell you my heart went to beating so fast I thought I was going to faint so both my supervisor came over and were yelling(well not really yelling) at me to move they wanted to hurry and delete them and I yelled no wait the D.A. might need them so they created a folder and we saved them. Our manager had us click on one and we went to the bottom of the email to unsubscribe; why we never subscribed I though,so I was confused but he said it would stop them. I forwarded one to Larry and he is trying to see if he could figure it out as he is a good detective. I am going nuts trying to figure it out due to my previous work email for work was employee # and we get no personal emails and not allowed on the internet. We have our own web site of course but to go to any other well let’s just say I have not because I like and need my job and if I wanted to find someone I would do it at home and it would not be that jerk. Would I like to find him and talk to him you bet but I know that will never happen so I just don’t think about him other than to pray for him to find it in his heart to seek God for what he done and I try very very hard to forgive him for not stopping to see if he could help her. See I know in my heart he did not get up on April 23, 2010 and say I am going to go out drive like a crazy person and kill the girl that drives the little yellow car that has a bumper sticker that says I Love My Solider. If I didn’t do that I would not ever get 1 night of sleep and I would not be the Christian I am if I didn’t. Now if I could just get it together about my sister and not let her get to me with everything I think God would be a little happier with me. Well I am going to close for today as I am totally exhausted and I am going to try and get some rest so I can hit it hard and heavy again tomorrow. However before I go if you read this today or the next please pray for my son Trey he has and ear infection or something and just cannot get rid of it and it has been going on for 2 ½ weeks. Even after 3 doctors apt.  Thank you all and remember as always I love you all to the moon and back.

Very Mad

Today I had a 2 hour car ride to Waldeck, Texas and a 2 hour ride back which gave me a lot of time to think about some things on my mind the past year and this past week. So I end this day being MAD and not just for 1 thing but a couple of things.

 It was a year ago Sunday June 19,2010 that we placed a cross at the crash site of my daughter wreck and released yellow balloons in her memory which was on a Saturday and come Monday morning someone had taken it down. Yes we did have permission from the state to put it up however the owner of the strip center Deerbrook Crossing said we were not allowed and everything we have put up they take down even the poster we made and flowers on the 23 April the anniversary of her death this year you can see pictures that we took the day of. How dare they we went through the right channels got the approval from the state and TX-Doc even came out and marked where we were to put it. We were told the state owned the land so many feet from the curb however we don’t have the support from the courts to make them let us keep up the cross. I just don’t get it; I see crosses everywhere.

The next thing that has upset me is what happened this week to Larry poor cousin David when he was found in his backyard around 11am. He had already passed and once the police and EMT declared him as deceased it took the Harris County coroner’s office until 5:30pm to get there to pick up the poor man. He had to lay out side in this horrible heat all that time. We were told Harris County only had 3 vehicles to pick up. Are you kidding me as big as Harris County is and as many murders that happen not to mention the elderly dying, auto accidents and my goodness who know what else. To me this is just plain crazy!!  What do our taxes pay for? His poor sister and kids had to sit there all that time with him just lying there how cruel and hard that had to be. It was hard enough just for us to see Melissa car and the tree much less what they had to do. And where do we go to voice our feeling and try and get something done. Guess what! No one seems to know because I keep getting the run around when I make calls to find out.

Respect I realize I am getting older and there is a new generation out there and yes I have a son in the new generation but I pray I have raised him to have respect and manners  and do the following: cell phones should be off in a church or funeral home, not talking when a minster is talking during a service, attend a funeral for your  family members and true friends (now if you can’t get off work understand) but just to not show up or be late and act like it is no big deal. Or to bring small children and let them be rude and disrespectful. I understand death is not easy however if you’re an adult and for family member you need to suck it up pray for God to give you what you need to get through it and attend your loved ones funeral and be on time. OH and not to mention other family members putting things on other family members graves after being told not to, I was crushed when I seen my father n law’s grave site today. If this upsets my family I am sorry but I have to say I am just appalled that these things have happen and I am just supposed to be ok with it. Well I am not and I have to get this off my heart.

I realize that me venting on this blog right now will not do anything to change what has happen on any of the above but hopefully it will open some eyes.

I am so proud of myself today I got up and made it to church. I have to admit in the past 14 months I have not been good at going yes some have been due to illness and not being home but are a lot are just because I didn’t want to get out of the bed. The sermon was great and my Life Group class was great Linda one of our teachers did an awesome job on the lesson. So after church I came home to go off and run some errands with Larry and after we went and ate Mexican food for Lunch I feel it is where Melissa would have wanted to take her daddy for Father’s day. Trey had to work and so he couldn't be with us but we brought him left overs. We had a great lunch then home for a rest before going to the viewing for his cousin David funeral.

 I feel it is extremely hard when you’re talking to someone day and things are ok and then the next day you get a phone call that he is passed away. I think your head goes just in so many different directions and you don’t know if you’re coming or going. This is how our whole family is feeling not to mention his children, sister, niece and fiancé’. My heart is just breaking for them and I know there is nothing you can say or do other than pray for them to get through this storm in their lives. When someone has been sick for a long time or if they are elderly then it is easier to take in my opinion and I have been through it both ways. Don’t get me wrong it is very hard either way and I just don’t know how people get through life without faith in God.

Now I am going to brag a bit on my boys. Trey even though he had to work he made sure he had a card for his dad and a gift along with calling him several times today. He has to work again tomorrow and won’t be able to go with us but he is worried about his dad and the rest of the family. We can’t wait for Trey to tell us he is going to ask Lauren to marry him so we will have her and little man Gavin in our family forever. They already share their lives with us but when it is official it will be wonderful. We love her and her family so much already.  

Then on our way to the viewing Jon called and asks could he go to the funeral with us tomorrow and wished Larry Happy Father’s Day. As you most know  Jon was Melissa husband and we have remained close to him since her death and it made me feel good that he cares enough for our family to want to go with us tomorrow.  It just happen that he is home this week from work as he works 8 days then off 6 days.

Well enough bragging I better get to bed as we have a hard day ahead of us and I will need all the rest I can get to be able to get through the day. Please pray for all the Zingelmann and remember I love you all to the moon and back.

My Sons Jon and Trey they had been duck huting at Christmas time.

                                                                          

Saturday morning I wake up to dogs barking and hearing my wonderful husband trying to be quite so I can sleep but bless his heart he is just so loud must be where Trey gets it from. So I make myself get out of the bed and head to the kitchen  for caffeine when half way there I remember oh crap I cannot have it any more.  Ok so I will have my hibiscus tea so I make me a nice hot cup and plan to settles in for a quiet day. Then I realize oh my goodness I go back to work on Monday and have to get errand ran which include the most important thing a pedicure and refill on my nails. After all I have going for me as least my hands and feet can look pretty not to mention it feels great to get it done. So Lauren ask me if I want to come to the one by her house ok sure why not so she makes the appointments and I pick her up at 11 and off we go. Get there and my goodness it was great those ladies were so nice offered us wine, water or a soda and the place was so clean. Then I got worried can I afford this and to my surprise it was no higher than any other place I had been to. They did an amazing job for both Lauren and I we left happy campers then my great hubby took us both out to lunch. What more could I ask for great morning and wonderful lunch with people I love. Well can 2 girls end the day with no shopping of course not so off we went  we made it to Khol’s and did a little shopping but then here it came knee pain so after we got a couple of items we called it a day and headed home but not before stopping for some good Texas Ice tea. My lands we had to go to 3 places before we found a drive thru not lined up for miles just to get a drink guess that is what happens on a very hot Saturday afternoon in Texas. With tea in hand homeward bound we went. Get home only to find that Abby Trey’s black lab dog had dug in my plant once again. That darn dog makes me so mad and we have tried everything we know to make her stop digging wondering which will go first the dog or me? Trey will not want to hear this news when he gets home from a long day at work but something is going to have to give and it’s not going to be me on this one.

But all in all it has been a good day I am thankful that I have Lauren to keep me busy and try and help me feel better about myself and my life. At least Larry had a break from trying to keep me busy for a while I am really thankful more than anyone knows for him even if he makes me crazy at times I love him to the moon and back 3 times over.

Lauren I love you to the moon and back as well.

Larry and Lauren my savoirs today. Gavin little head at the bottom

                                                                    

Hurting

As I come to an end of my 3^rd week at being at home from find out that this dizzy Vertigo-Meniere’s Disease crap can come and go with no warning and the doctor saying it we just have to wait and see. I find me in a really weird frame of mind. I cannot really explain it other than I am just tired of all the crap I have been through in the past 16 months. Yes maybe a pity party maybe not but today I just want to run and run as far as I can and the sad part is I cannot even run physically in my life as my body will not allow it. How sad is that at 52 years old well I guess I could walk praise God I can do that.

I can tell you my emotion’s range from happy at times to mad, sad, tired most of the time. I tell myself things will get better and then they don’t and then I tell myself I am blessed and name the ways that I know I am truly blessed so why then do I just want to RUN. It has been 14 months now since an idiot took Melissa from us and I feel I should not be so down and out but I just cannot shake these feeling. However it doesn’t help when you have family member’s accusing you of saying and doing things that you didn’t do and then I get really really mad and end up at their level sending them a message telling them how I have really felt for a long time knowing that it will do no good and only hurt my mom. Then I am mad at myself because I know this person will never change so why do I let them get to me when I know I am a Christian and should just let them rant and rave as normal but the devil is on my shoulder saying do it do it and I do.

Wow where do I go from here I have no clue I pray daily and know that it is God carrying me but I cannot help but wonder? Why and what he is wanting me to learn through all this 6 deaths 2 surgery’s now this Vertigo-Meniere’s Disease. I have 4 days of vacation time to last me at work until the end of the year I pray God takes care of things so I don’t lose my job. Hurting a lot.