As I come to an end of my 3rd week at being at home from find out that this dizzy Vertigo-Meniere’s Disease crap can come and go with no warning and the doctor saying it we just have to wait and see. I find me in a really weird frame of mind. I cannot really explain it other than I am just tired of all the crap I have been through in the past 16 months. Yes maybe a pity party maybe not but today I just want to run and run as far as I can and the sad part is I cannot even run physically in my life as my body will not allow it. How sad is that at 52 years old well I guess I could walk praise God I can do that.
I can tell you my emotion’s range from happy at times to mad, sad, tired most of the time. I tell myself things will get better and then they don’t and then I tell myself I am blessed and name the ways that I know I am truly blessed so why then do I just want to RUN. It has been 14 months now since an idiot took Melissa from us and I feel I should not be so down and out but I just cannot shake these feeling. However it doesn’t help when you have family member’s accusing you of saying and doing things that you didn’t do and then I get really really mad and end up at their level sending them a message telling them how I have really felt for a long time knowing that it will do no good and only hurt my mom. Then I am mad at myself because I know this person will never change so why do I let them get to me when I know I am a Christian and should just let them rant and rave as normal but the devil is on my shoulder saying do it do it and I do.
Wow where do I go from here I have no clue I pray daily and know that it is God carrying me but I cannot help but wonder? Why and what he is wanting me to learn through all this 6 deaths 2 surgery’s now this Vertigo-Meniere’s Disease. I have 4 days of vacation time to last me at work until the end of the year I pray God takes care of things so I don’t lose my job. Hurting a lot.
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