I made it.

Saturday night after Thanksgiving and we are setting home doing nothing does this mean we are getting older? Hope not because I don’t want to think of myself as getting old, I like to think of the saying you’re only as old as you feel.

We made it through Thanksgiving with just a few tears of Melissa not being with us. We put the fresh flowers on her gravesite and that was hard but Larry and I pulled it together to have a nice dinner with Trey, Lauren, Gavin and Diana (Lauren mom). Trey had to work that morning so we had a later lunch early dinner. We had our menu all planned between me and Diana then Trey calls and tells us what he was bringing. OMG so much food we could have feed a small army and had left overs. The food was amazingly good and we all ate too much and then regretted it. Our little Gavin found out he like Brussel Sprouts he even ask for 2^nd. Now our desserts were even more amazing way too many but they were great and still have left overs. Trey made Sangria and it was REALLY good, yes I had a class well actually 3 or 4. Maybe that is why it was such a good day? No just kidding I was not drunk but I had Trey a little worried on the 3^rd glass but I was adding tea and that made it not as strong.
Lauren, Diana, Larry and I played cards (spades) not really sure who won just found out that Lauren does not like to lose. Will have to remember that one and remind Trey. LOL He was watching football and Gavin while we played. Then A&M and Texas game came on so the card game stopped. A divided house is what Trey and Lauren will be; now that could be interesting.
The next 2 days have been spent getting car and truck worked on; getting blood work done that should have been done weeks ago. Then shopping for my new great niece and nephew for Christmas and a couple of things for Gavin. Both Stefanie and Katie had babies this month Stefanie had a baby girl and named her Caylee Ann and Katie had a baby boy name Kyler Lee. I have not been able to see either one of them as Stefanie lives in OK and Katie here in Texas but this weekend was just a bit too much to handle going to see a new baby when missing Melissa and knowing I would never get to hold a grandbaby from her. That is very painful and I don’t want to make Katie or anyone feel bad when this is a very happy time for them. I will get there but in a couple of weeks. Caylee might not get to see her until Trey wedding. (Sad face)
Today I never left the house however I made a big step towards healing and put up our Christmas tree and decorated my tables and put out some of my snowmen and women. The tree has no ornaments yet just up with the lights. Melissa always put them on and last year Trey and Lauren did it. But they’re not here they are at the deer lease so this year it may just get ribbons and bow.  
I know I am still not in a good place with Melissa gone but I know I am getting there. I just have to get through Christmas then I will be really focusing in on getting things done for Trey’s wedding along with getting my resume all ready to begin sending out. March 30, 2012 will be here before I know it and will be without a job and then the wedding not a month later so a lot will be going on that will keep me busy which is what I need along with God and a lot of prayers.

Snowman w/year on them

My breakfast table

My Formal Dinning Room

Just a few of my snowmen and women

With the light off to show how the one lights up

My tree with no ornaments

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas.

I Love You all to the Moon and Back !!!!!!

Another Holiday without our baby girl.

It is 10:00pm the night before Thanksgiving and I have no desire to do anything pertaining to Thanksgiving. I did get the fruit salad made, dessert ready, and fixing to help Larry get the turkey ready to go in the smoker. But really I could care less, the only thing I want to do is sleep but I know that is not health for me. So I am pushing myself to do things to try and keep my mind off of know that we will be missing my precious sweet Melissa again this year and the next and next. We won’t ever have her for the Holidays or special events like her big brother’s wedding coming up. She would be so happy for him as she loved Lauren and Gavin. She already wanted to spoil him rotten before she was taken from us. I keep thinking how much Gavin would have loved his Aunt Melissa and I want him to know about her but how do I tell a 4 year old about her. Since I have no clue how to I guess we will wait till he is older and can understand what a special person she was and tell him about the first time she meet him and gave him ice cream even though he didn’t eat his dinner. She kept him entertained while we all visited with one another.  She would have been proud to see Jon made friends with him as well.

I will go visit her tomorrow but not where I would ever want to visit her. Someone ask me today why I would want to put myself through getting upset on Thanksgiving. My reply was “You must have never lost a child or you would not be asking me that. As I then told her I will be upset regardless at least this way I can brighten her headstone with pretty flowers and know she is watching from above thinking my mom really loves me.” Then I turned and walked away because what I really wanted to say was not something a Christian would say. Plus why would I do something that would make God sad when it is him who has helped me get through this horrible storm.

I have to get myself together for Trey, Larry, Lauren and my little Gavin as he cannot see his Nana upset. So as I am going to bed now I am going to pray hard for God to get me through my 2^nd Holiday without our girl.

Melissa I know you’re watching and know that we love you but I have to say it anyway

I love you to the moon and back as well as all my other family and friends.                                      

Work

Wow what a long day. With this being a short week today I was hoping for an easy week boy was I wrong. Today was a lot of work and big headaches that took extra time to work on. A coworker from Charlotte called around 4:30 and need 2 bills rated correctly like yesterday. So as I am working trying to audit these 2 bills she is telling me how thankful she was to have me to work with when she needed things done in a hurry. I laugh and said OH anyone of us in my department can do it. At that point she said no I was the only one that would work with her and that she didn’t know what she would do without me. I told her well in 5 months you will know. WHAT came from her next and I explained that my department was getting laid off and our last day was March 30. She was very upset and asks me what I was going to do and I just explain that I did not know yet that God had not revealed that part of his plan to me. But I sure that it was be grand whatever it is. I could tell by her voice she was smiling and she said I knew you were a Christian and we have never really met each other in person. I ask how and she said it showed in my voice and my work. By this point I was almost in tears as I though Yeah I am doing what God wants; but will be leaving behind someone that will really need some help someday down the road and I won’t be there. So I know my prayer will be for the coworkers I will be leaving behind in 131 days as they will be over worked and very much underpaid. As well as prayers for all of the others that will be laid off with me. I know God has great thinks planned for us as my faith in God reassures me of this; but I wonder about those who don’t have the faith in God how they are getting through this storm.

So I will go back tomorrow and the next 131 days and give it my all regardless if I am upset with my company for their decisions they have made. Why because I want to do everything I do for the glory of the one who made me. “God” as that is what Steven Curtis Chapman has also taught me.

Good night to all my wonderful family and friends remember I love you to the moon and back.                                                     

Angry

Our last Christmas with Melissa 2009

                                                                                

Well today was a rough day, I guess if I am being honest it started yesterday. I am really missing my Melissa a lot. Then this morning it was chilly so I need a light jacket to wear and I go to the closet to grab a pull over jacket. As I am putting it on I could smell something and it hit me it was the jacket Trey gave me the last year we had Melissa for Christmas and it snowed like crazy. We had the best Christmas ever except for Jon not being there. After getting home she borrow my jacket and brings it backs hangs it in the hall closet. I have not worn it since and when I pulled it out I could smell her. I went to pieces oh how do I miss her and the tears came down and didn’t stop until I got to work. Did not take my jacket off until 3pm when it got hot.

 I never want to wash it again; it’s the last thing I have that really helps me remember her smell. I know that I will have to wash it someday and that is when it hit me I am not as sad, hurt, upset anymore I am just very angry. Now if I just knew who or what I was angry at. I know it’s not God and I know it’s not the guy who ran her off the road because I know he did not mean to kill her and I have forgiven him. Where is this anger coming from or who is it towards I just keep asking myself that question and if this is part of the grieving process well it needs to hurry up and pass. I have got to get it together for my family as it will be hard enough on them this year as well without me being a basket case.

To all my wonderful family and friends I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you don’t gain to much weight. lOL

Love you to the moon and back J

Healing

Where has the time gone since I last blogged. Well I got back into church and started a bible study so with that and helping to plan Trey and Lauren wedding. I have been very busy along with trying to get Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet up and running. I have done a few parties so be sure and check that out on face book. I find it amazing how God leads you to do things just at the right time. Like for instance just when I started going back to church there was a ladies bible study was on David by Beth Moore so I started the class. Wow has it made me come to terms with my life and what I have been through the past 19 months. It has really helped in my healing process and taught me so much. 

I have also learned that at the end of March I will be laid off as my company is outsourcing my job to India. For those of you who don’t know I work in Customer Service Compliances Audit Department at Maersk Line. I am auditing the bills of lading before they go out to the customer and for the customers with rate disputes.  Along with working with colleges to ensure we follow all FMC Regulations.  I am not sure at this time what God has planned for me so I am still in the decision making stage as what I am going to do once I am laid off.  So if you would keep your eyes and ears open for me that would be the wonderful.

Lauren and Trey

Meredith and Matt at the Candy Buffet

On a fun note Trey best friend Matt got married on November 5, 2011 and Trey was the co-Best Man. The wedding was so beautiful and Matt married a wonderful young woman Meredith we all love her to pieces. Trey just amazed me with his speech he did so good and yes Matt’s mom and I cried like babies and we get to do it again in April at Trey wedding. I also had the pleasure of doing a candy buffet for them and their entire guest. It was a lot of fun to see everyone enjoying it even the adults. 

So as you can see my life is not as sad as it once was. It is getting better however; I want everyone to know it is only by the grace of God that I am healing and if I can say anything to anyone is to trust and fully rely on God and you can get through any storm in your life. Trust me I know as you hear people say” Been there done that” well I have been through some terrible storms and he carried me all the way. You know I now understand the poem Footprints in the Sand.

Good Night All and remember I Love you all to the Moon and Back.

Cindy

Busy

Where has the time gone since I last blogged. Well I got back into church and started a bible study so with that and helping to plan Trey and Lauren wedding I have been very busy along with trying to get Sweet and Sassy Candy Buffet up and running. I have done a few parties so be sure and check that out on face book. I find it amazing how God leads you to do things just at the right time. Like for instance just when I started going back to church there was a ladies bible study was on David by Beth Moore so I started the class. Wow has it made me come to terms with my life and what I have been through the past 19 months. It has really helped in my healing process and taught me so much. 

Trey and Lauren they are next to get married.

I have also learned that at the end of March I will be laid off as my company is outsourcing my job to India. For those of you who don’t know I work in Customer Service/ Compliances Audit Department at Maersk Line. I am auditing the bills of lading before they go out to the customer and for the customers with rate disputes.  Along with working with colleges to ensure we follow all FMC Regulations.  I am not sure at this time what God has planned for me so I am still in the decision making stage as what I am going to do once I am laid off.  So if you would keep your eyes and ears open for me that would be the wonderful.

On a fun note Trey best friend Matt got married on November 5, 2011 and Trey was the co-Best Man. The wedding was so beautiful and Matt married a wonderful young woman Meredith we all love her to pieces. Trey just amazed me with his speech he did so good and yes Matt’s mom and I cried like babies and we get to do it again in April at Trey wedding. I also had the pleasure of doing a candy buffet for them and their entire guest. It was a lot of fun to see everyone enjoying it even the adults. 

Bride,Groom and their best men and maids of honor after they each made a toast.

So as you can see my life is not as sad as it once was. It is getting better however; I want everyone to know it is only by the grace of God that I am healing and if I can say anything to anyone is to trust and fully rely on God and you can get through any storm in your life. Trust me I know as you hear people say" Been there Done that well I have been through some terrible storms and he carried me all the way. You know I now understand the poem Footprints in the Sand.

Good Night All and remember I Love you all to the Moon and Back.

Cindy