March 28,2011 Counting the Days

Well after a wonderful weekend in Kemah and then spending time with the Zingelmann for Alicia 30^th Birthday party the countdown begins for Trey to move back home. We will leave out on Tuesday after work and go to my moms and spend the night with her in Buffalo Texas. Have not gotten to see her since Christmas and am looking forward to spending a night with her. We talk on the phone every week but it’s just not the same as having her to hug me when I am mad or sad however she loves the country and would not even consider moving to the city. But that’s ok as long as she is happy. I would worry a lot but you see I have a wonderful sister n law and brother who live next to her and Jan takes amazing good care of her while Ronny works and even when he is home. I don’t know what I would do without her. Then Wednesday at noon or so we will head to Minus Texas to help our amazing son Trey pack up and move back to Kingwood, Texas to  start a new chapter in his life as well. After losing Melissa and it taking him 8 hours to get home to be with us he said he had to get back home. It would have only taken 5 hours but this mom was scared for him to drive as we were all just so shocked and distraught over it that my little brother Ronny drove 3 hours to get him then 5 hours back to us in Kingwood. But my poor brother still had a 3 hour drive home to be with his wife Jan and my mom. As I told them to stay there till we could get Jon home from Iraq so they came Sunday. See I told you they were amazing and I had my big sister Diana and niece Katie with me I actually think they flew from Huntsville they got here so fast and was taking good care of Larry and I and helping with things that needed to be done. Not to mention Michelle (I would not have made it thru those terrible days and this year with her) and my wonderful Sunday School Class from Kingwood First Baptist Church. I never knew word could travel so fast before we got home and had time to think in ran Karla Sue and then more of my church family just keep coming. They took care of things that I had no idea what to do or would have ever thought about having to do as all I could think of was letting Jon(Melissa Husband) know and making sure he was ok and getting him home safe and sound.
So Trey was home safe and sound and we held each other up but the one that help him the most has now become known  to all as Lauren and if truth be known she is the real reason he is moving back home. Well actually I know she is and then Larry and I but that is ok because we could not have hand picked a better woman for our son. She is the most kind, considerate, loving person I could ever hope for. Trey picked a wonderful young woman and we even got lucky as she has me let us be in Gavin her son life who is 3 to help get me through this year. They did get to meet Melissa and those two hit it off right away which is not strange for Melissa as she loved kids. What is amazing is that he was only 2 and he can look at pictures and say that’s Melissa and it warms my heart.  

So as Trey begins his new chapter with a new job and what I believe soon to be new wife and son I get the blessing of having him closer to me along with a Lauren who has become my new shopping buddy and I have become Gavin’s new Nana. What a great blessing God has given me in my darkest hours and I realize this everyday however I know that God knows  I am not through grieving for my sweet baby girl Melissa; who we will all love to the moon and back.



Nana made Gavin a candy Buffet table for his 3rd Birthday



Trey and Lauren Christmas 2010

Gavin helping Nana on Christmas morning

Trey with Lauren and Gavin at his surpise Birthday party back in August.

Today was not a hard as I thought it would be, I know God was carrying us again as we had to face Melissa first Birthday since she passed away. Thank you all my wonderful friends and family who prayed for us to get through today.
A few years ago a wonderful Pastor preached a sermon on raising your children and one thing that has remained in my head every since then "Pick your battles with your Children don't argue over every little thing and make sure it is worth the battle" I put it on the back burner so to speak and it all came back to me when we lost Melissa. As you know she was a ring tail tutor and gave us a run for our money and I did pick certain battles however not as good as I should have. Please raise your children (no matter how old they are) as it will be the last day you would ever see them no matter if they want highlights at 10, talk back to you, get into trouble at school, fight with their brother or sister, date someone you don’t think is right, take something that doesn’t belong to them even if they confess because you raised them to have a conscious. Be thankful when you see them walk into the room even if they are not perfect like overweight, have tattoo’s if you don’t like them, purple hair or have been injured from an accident or birth. Because today I would give anything to be able to be still picking battles with Melissa but I can’t; you see I have to go to the below picture to tell her Happy Birthday and that I love her. You need to be thankful you don’t have to and my prayer is that you never ever will have to.

Happy Birthday Melissa Ann Zingelmann Caldera

Daddy will always take care of his baby girl.

We had this waiting for us when we got home from telling Melissa that
we love her to the moon and back. It was from her Best Friend who became a daughter to us Chelsea and her mom Robin.
Chelsea dad is the wonderful minister that told  me to pick my battles.

                                                                                     

March 22,2011 Tuesday MAD, MAD AND MORE HURT

Well there is only one thing really on my heart today and that is oh how I wish I could wind back the clock a year so  that tomorrow I could laugh at Melissa 21st birthday. But I know that can not happen and I know I won't have anymore birthday with my baby girl thanks to and idiot (that I can not name due to his rights )  who does not know how to drive and has no Conscious that he killed my daughter. Rights what about Melissa rights she had a right to live a full life with Jon have children be a wonderful mom and Aunt to Treys children but he took that all away. Now there will be no grand children from her and Treys children have to grow up never knowing their wonderful Aunt. Nor will she be able to be in her best friends wedding and have fun with them. I just wish he the driver of the maroon Ford F 150 knew about this blog so he could see how many people he has hurt. Yes as you can see I am mad, hurt you name it I feel it; so don't tell me it will be OK because I know that it will be in due time. I want to be mad and I think no I know I have that right to be mad.

Rodeo 1 year ago today with Melissa March 19,2011

I know its been a while but just have not had the energy to do anything but work come home cook dinner and lay on the couch. I can not hardly stand to think what next week is going to bring and then a month after that. I have been given tons of advise on what I should do on Melissa 22nd birthday to help me get through it but none of it is what I want to do, all of it was good advise and it means a lot for my family and friends that care to try and help me out. So at this point the only thing I know for sure is that I will be putting Yellow Tulips on her grave. After that not sure Larry wants to go to Galveston for the day then meet Chelsea for dinner I don't know. Jon is out of town for work and has planned what he is going to do to get through the day. But I am sitting here after a long day of doing our taxes, running errands, going to the hospital to check on Leana, calling Stephanie to make sure she is OK and giving her what motherly advise I could. I think what I would really like to do on March 23 and April 23 is to find the man that was in such a hurry that he was weaving in and out of traffic on the feeder street of HWY 59 between Kingwood Dr. and Northpark. Who then tried to make Melissa move over by coming into her lane and scaring her which caused her to lose control of the car and hit a tree and died. Then if I could find him I would like to think I could be mean enough and beat the crap out of him but I know I am to little for that and it would not make God happy with me. I would settle for just asking him what on earth made you be in such a hurry you could endanger the life of my daughter and the other 4 passengers in your truck including 2 small children. And if they were his kids how would he feel if some idiot caused his child to die. Would anything he said make me feel better "NO" but at least he would have to face me and hopefully between my face and Melissa yellow little car up next to that tree he would have to find peace which would mean coming to know the Lord. Because you see I don't think he knows the Lord our God or he would not have fled the scene he would have stop to help. Did he sit out that morning to kill the love of my life I don't think so but he needs to man up and say hey here is what happen and I am sorry. People I beg you to be careful when driving and don't fight over a lane or anything your lives are to precious. Below are some pictures of my sweet baby girl I though I would share with you taken a year ago today.

Larry with his Baby Girl Melissa

Me and Melissa as she is trying to convince me to get her a drink 4 days before she turned 21

Melissa and her Cousin Jordan

Me, Melissa and Larry after the large Margartias (yes I bought it and we all shared)

Melissa at her apartment waiting for us to pick her up to go to the Rodeo

Melissa favorite Group Lady Antebellum
She sang the song "Need You Now"the whole
time Jon was gone she loved it and her daddy got
her the tickets. This was the last big event we were able
to have with her other than her last Birthday 4 days later

Leana and Jordan sharing our day with us.

 As tomorrow starts a new week for us please pray for our family and friends as we will need it to get through what we have been told will be the hardest month yet.
Love you all to the moon and back and please be safe when driving.

10K Run Bayou City Classic that I did in Memory of Melissa





At this point it was I think I can I think I can.
Praying was done from mile 3-6 along with crying.

Rounding the last corner heading to the finish line



Heading toward the finish line





Fixing to cross the finish line and tag my time of 2 hr 5 minutes and 28 sec.



Beth , Me and Lori after the run walk

I have to start with a great big Thank you to my friends Beth and Lori for convincing me to walk a 10k with an extra special Thanks to Beth for staying behind and encouraging me to finish. I wore my favorite color pink of course but had a cap from where Trey works so he would be with me and a necklace with Missy name on that Lauren had made for me so she would be with me as well. At mile 3 I was in tears crying for Melissa and a little pain as well. So I started praying and praying asking God to help me finish the race and Melissa to send me some of her running power she had been using to help me. So I kiss the necklace and cap and said come on Kido help your poor mom get to the finish line. I cried till I got up to where Beth had stopped and was waiting for me and she became my drill sergeant all the way to the finish line at one point I even remember telling her if I had a rock I would throw it at her. She laughed and said I know you hate me right now but when you cross that on how happy I was to see Larry because I was actually sick and was scared I was fixing to toss my cookies as Melissa used to say. However Larry helped me make it to a bench and sat down and got better. I was so happy to see Larry and he was taking pictures and smiling from ear to ear. I think he was proud of me. However I have learned that I have got to get my act together and get this weight off and start walking because I do want to walk a ½ marathon next. I have done a 5K and now just finish my first 10K and am thrilled and to think I did it all for Melissa as it was Beth who said it would be good for me and she was right. God put a great lady in my life and I am so thankful even when she is tough on me to step it up and keep it going. There is only one thing I wish I would have done was have a T-Shirt made that said walking in memory of Melissa Ann Zingelmann Caldera who lost her life to a road rage driver. In hopes to bring more awareness to others. Will have to do that in my next 10k or whatever walk I do next;  what do you all think? Let me know.

Friday March11,2011

Well 8 months ago a friend of mine ask me to walk with her in a 1/2 marathon in Kingwood on 1-1-11 in honor of Melissa and to raise awareness to Road Rage Drivers. However my knee decide it needed surgery and I didn't get to walk, so tomorrow I am beginning my road to next year marathon and I am walking a 10k with her in the Bayou City Classic. My knee is not a 100 % but I am going to do this no matter how long it takes me. I will have my great friend Beth to help me get across that finish line faster than I think I will. I am not going to push it to where it could cause harm but I and going to do it with every ounce I have and with Melissa walking with me in my heart and soul. Now she would have ran the 10K as she was running her heart out before she died to get in shape and fit for her husband when he came home from Iraq. She was well on her way as she has lost 30 something lbs I believe it was. How horrible that Jon did not get to see her and how thin she was getting however he knows and was proud of her  just as we were and I do believe she would be upset with me that I have gained my weight back since the accident, but I can not seem to get over her and my way which I know is wrong is eating my way through it. I am getting somewhat better Larry and I have started walking again and I will get there but not with out God giving me the will power to just do it. So for today it is bed time so I can do my 10K.

Work and Play March 10,2011



Lauren gave me this necklace tonight at dinner
with Robin and Chelsea Estep.

 What a beautiful day God made today the weather was great and it was not to hot or cold just right. I woke up and thought not another day but I made myself get up and get going. Made it to work 20 minutes early so was able to work on my bible study and it is amazing how God knew that I needed to be reminded about Grace this week. Because had it not been for him and grace I would be in a whole heap of trouble. Because this country girl turn city girl sure doesn't deserve  all that I have. So I wondering if someone gave you 15 minutes can you tell them all the things in your life that you deserve? Or should the question be all the things you have because of God's grace? Think about it. It will change your day even if it is a bad day,week,month or year if you believe in Jesus Christ with all your heart and you give him your heart and confess your sins to him. I promise you that you will start seeing the grace and you will want to answer the questioning what do you have because of God's grace and not what you think you deserve. Another question for you do you believe God punishes you when something bad happens. Well I did when we lost Melissa and keep and still do ask myself why what did I do to cause her to be taken from me after 21 short years. Then after reading and studying Grace I did nothing and God is not punishing me he is showing me his grace and helping me through the dark times. I know this to be true because I remember saying and doing things the week of the accident and after and I know that was not me but God telling me what to say and do you see it was his footprints not mine. I now truly understand what that means. We have a might awesome God and we need to be so ever thankful for the Grace he gives us. As Melissa (Missy) would say live life to the fullest and enjoy every minute and be sure to forgive those who hurt you. She did that well with her friends I could not understand but now I do but I am no where near she was in the forgiving plan. God wants me there and I am getting there and he is showing me amazing grace along the way. So I learn a lesson from God and my precious sweet baby girl Melissa Ann today.

March 9,2011 Wednesday



 Yes we even had Family Fun 2010 



 Helicopter ride over the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee

 



Gavin 3rd Birthday

Trey Birthday Dinner

Me and Jon Anthony at Treys Christmas

Nana and her little man Gavin

Our new addition from my Godson Chris and his wife his name is Cooper

My helicopter ride over the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee that Larry gave me for my Birthday.

 As you can see from the pictures there have been some good times since we lost Melissa so I know things are getting better with the help of God and all my wonderful family and friends praying for us. I just have to make myself realize it is OK to have bad days and want to just explode or what ever and to remember when I am through going through what ever it is my family and friends will still love me. Once I get that down I think I will see myself going up hill to get out of the pit. Thank you to everyone who has been here for me your all wonderful and I love you to the moon and back.
Cindy


Monday March 7,2011

God is my rock from above but Larry is my rock here on earth and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him to the moon and back.


Well basically not a bad day work was ok except for having to work on the Late Invoicing Report such a boring and mundane task. But it’s part of my job and I am thankful I only have to do it every other week. Other than that just the same old day work, home, dinner and TV. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and something great will happen (other than me waking up) and I will have a day without a sad moment. It's kind of weird though yesterday was tough with the shower but I held up great I think then after cleaning up and resting I sat down to watch some TV  and at the end of my show they were giving a little boy a 4th Birthday party and I just lost it and keep saying over and over its just not fair Melissa will never have another Birthday. I don't know if it was a sad cry or a mad cry. Also I had just a weird feeling about something happing to Larry so I called him and I think he really thought I was crazy but he was ok so I felt better until on the way home and a maroon Ford  F150 flew by me and I got really mad and was thinking could that be the guy who ran Melissa off the road and I told myself I was going to go home and plaster his name every where I could to warn everyone to watch out for him. Then I realize he can get away with what he did but if I plastered his name everywhere he would come after me. I know I have said this before but I sure want the world to know who he is and it is driving me crazy. I am just screwed up and here to tell you I am thankful that I can say whatever I want to say on my blog to vent and even more Thank Full that God keeps me on the straight pathway that he wants me to be on.

Sunday March6,2011

Wow what a weekend and I am having a hard time understanding how it can be enjoyable,fun and yet so sad at the same time. I loved having the shower for Larry nephew Jeremy fiancee Ashley; however when I think of a Wedding Shower I think back to July and August 2009 as long as I keep busy I was OK but give me quite time or let something happen like it did back then well I could have literally went to the bathroom and be sick. As you see that is when we were having Melissa Wedding Showers and thinking the whole world was before us. With each gift she opened it was like seeing a kid in a candy store she loved it so much and was telling everyone what her and Jon were going to do. And now to think in a matter of 15 minute's it goes from talking to her on the phone as she was leaving the doctor to being killed by a road rage driver. I know it been almost two years since the showers but the memories are like yesterday and I am here to tell you it hurts and hurts bad. I tried very very hard not to let anyone notice I was struggling in fact I even remember laughing. However Larry cousin Debbie was the one who seen right through me and that is because she has walked in my shoes as her son was killed in an auto accident as well; I think 15 year or more ago and when she left she hug me and said hang in there I know its hard bu you have been an inspiration to many and all I could think of is if they only knew how weak I am. Maybe what Debbie was telling me it was OK to feel this way who knows I give up guessing. I just know I am mad,sad,hurt one minute to happy and OK the next how am I suppose to do this and for how long. Does anyone know because I don't and it is not a good feeling. Please God just help me get through this as I can not do it by myself.

Posting a comment

Hi all my Friends
 I understand alot of you are not being allowed to post. Well what you have to do is create and account with your email and you will become a follower and that will allow you to post. Please try it as I would love to hear your stories about our baby girl as they make me and Larry happy to hear them.
 Sorry this is all for tonight as I am tried been getting ready for Ashley bridal shower tomorrow. I pray I can be a great hostess and think of all the happy days ahead for her and our nephew Jeremy. May God Bless them with many years of happiness.

Friday March 4, 2011

Lauren, her mom Diana and Gavin at Trey's with us on Christmas 2011

I ended this week with a nice dinner with Lauren, Diana, Gavin and Larry at Los Cucos and then they came back to the house to visit for a little while. I can honestly say I think Trey found a great girl her family is as great as she is. We all get along good and today that is rare in today world from what I have seen. We really love them a lot and are so thankful to have them in our lives. Good news is Jon found a new job and is working with the railroad and he seems really happy he will work so many days on and off. This will give him time to tinker with his trucks along with making trades and things. He told me a few weeks ago when I was really struggling that he has to keep himself busy or else he might not be doing as good as he has been  and that he wanted me to find something to keep me busy as it was hard seeing me struggle. And to think I was the one worrying  about him and come to find out he has a better grip on things than I do however he has had to grow up a lot faster than most young men his age due to some issue he has had to deal with along Melissa death and being in Iraq. Be he is young and can make a great life for himself if he will just find the right mix of people to hang out with. It is still so hard to believe that the year is flying by and that Melissa would have been celebrating her 22^nd Birthday this month. It seems like yesterday we were eating her favorite food Mexican and celebrating her 21^st Birthday but it seems like years since the accident I just miss her so much her laughter, meanest and her being just a blond. Boy could her dad make her believe a lot of stuff that was just plain crazy. Her me maw  used to say now Melissa Ann you know that’s not true stop acting like your dumb you know you are way too smart to believe that line of crap. It was really funny and Melissa would laugh and say well me maw I just never know with Dad. I think she did but she liked the attention  as if she didn’t get enough but I tell you what I would give her so much attention it would be scary just too have her back in our life’s. It is nights like tonight that I would just love to beat the crap out of the driver of the truck and I would so love to tell everyone his name and all about him. However I would be the one in trouble my luck he would find out and try to suing me but worst than that it would not be pleasing to God and that means more to me than just blasting his name all over the place. But give me the chance to meet him in person and I would be one happy mommy however I am told that it would not make things better maybe worse. I am here to tell you I would like to find out.

Melissa Best Friends who I consider my daugthers

Danielle getting ready for Melissa wedding

Christi getting ready for Melissa wedding

Chelsea helping Melissa with her hair on wedding day

Melissa and Robin on Robin wedding (wow little to much cleavage there)

Tonight I had dinner with my adopted daughter Chelsea she was Melissa best friend since second or third grade. I am so thankful that Melissa was able to meet and become such a good friends with a young Christian girl at the time then they grew up together and remained friend up until she passed away. Chelsea has had a rough year as well not only did she lose a best friend but also not a month later she lost her cousin in a drowning accident  I think he was their age or a little older and he and Chelsea were very close. She also had a great thing happen to her this year as she got engaged to a wonderful young man that I had the pleasure of taking care of when he was little and went to the child care center where I worked. Melissa introduced them however when her and Chelsea were little they gave that poor boy all kinds of trouble while at the center.  Who would have guess they would grow up and get married I am so happy for both of them.  

Melissa made friends with a young girl name Robin after we moved to Kingwood and she invited us to Kingwood First Baptist Church which God knew then that we would need the church later. There she meet Danielle and Christi and they all became very close going to Church, Sunday School and mission trips together with the best youth minister ever in Melissa eyes John Burris. He is amazing as he baptized, married and then sadly had to perform her funeral. I am telling you all this because not only do I and my family still need lots of prayers but so does her friends she made while here on earth with us for 21 years and 1 month. I am so thankful that these young ladies have kept in touch with me and shared memories with me and I hope they know that I love them all to the moon and back and will be here if they ever need me.

Friends March 3,2011

W

WOW class or at least some of them

My BFF Michelle as we work together.

My Best Friend from High School, our kids grew up together we were at an Astros Baseball came and Mercy Me performed afterward was and emontional day for all of us.

This morning I woke up thinking of all my friends who have helped me this past year that didn’t have to but step up to the plate and hit a home run. I could not and would not have made it with my true friends Michelle, Mary, Debbie H. and all the ladies from my WIOW class at Kingwood First Baptist Church. Not many people can say that have a lot of true friends and I can. I am so blessed because without them running to my side on April 23, 2010 I would have been so far down in a pit as (Beth Moore) calls it that I would never have been able to be attempting to pull myself out.  Today I want to just say Thank you to all you wonderful Ladies that have been here and are still here for me. God blessed me more than I truly know right now. The pictures above are all the wonderful ladies except for Mary   and I cannot find one of her is morning so she must be camera shy. I love you all to the moon and back

March 1.2011

Tuesday and nothing ever changes miss one day at work and things don’t get done that should. Nothing like adding more stress to my life maybe next time I will go to work sick and spend most my day in Restroom but at least my work will get done in the turnaround time that it is suppose to  then I won’t  have to depend on my backup person.. I will just have to learn to give my job to God and let help me get through each day as well as the loss of Melissa. Which the two are so far apart it is not even funny but put the two together and I really feel like I am going to be put in a mental hospital . Guess I will miss work because I am not giving up my PTO day or I will for sure be in the loony bin as my Grandmother would say.  March 1^st already  and I remember this time last year Melissa barking orders for her Rodeo tickets she wanted her dad to get her. Being daddy little girl he came through with a lot of them. She and her friends went and that was great it help take her mind off missing Jon so much since he was in Iraq. We went with her, Leana and Jordan to hear Lady Antebellum which they were great, I was bad and got her a strawberry drink one week before she turned 21 I though her daddy would have a fit which he did but he helped her drink it. I am so glad that I did it; be right or wrong now I am glad I did. We have a chance to go back to the Rodeo again this year and I am just not sure I can do it. Other than her birthday that was the last outing we had with her before the accident  due to her going to school and all her homework she was doing or so she said don’t get me wrong I seen her the day before she came over for a short visit.  I am just not sure I can handle being there and I need to come to a decision and quick as we have two tickets to Miranda Lambert and Larry really likes her a lot but he said he would do whatever I wanted. I feel guilty as he always says whatever I want he is such a wonderful husband and great dad.