Sunday March6,2011

Wow what a weekend and I am having a hard time understanding how it can be enjoyable,fun and yet so sad at the same time. I loved having the shower for Larry nephew Jeremy fiancee Ashley; however when I think of a Wedding Shower I think back to July and August 2009 as long as I keep busy I was OK but give me quite time or let something happen like it did back then well I could have literally went to the bathroom and be sick. As you see that is when we were having Melissa Wedding Showers and thinking the whole world was before us. With each gift she opened it was like seeing a kid in a candy store she loved it so much and was telling everyone what her and Jon were going to do. And now to think in a matter of 15 minute's it goes from talking to her on the phone as she was leaving the doctor to being killed by a road rage driver. I know it been almost two years since the showers but the memories are like yesterday and I am here to tell you it hurts and hurts bad. I tried very very hard not to let anyone notice I was struggling in fact I even remember laughing. However Larry cousin Debbie was the one who seen right through me and that is because she has walked in my shoes as her son was killed in an auto accident as well; I think 15 year or more ago and when she left she hug me and said hang in there I know its hard bu you have been an inspiration to many and all I could think of is if they only knew how weak I am. Maybe what Debbie was telling me it was OK to feel this way who knows I give up guessing. I just know I am mad,sad,hurt one minute to happy and OK the next how am I suppose to do this and for how long. Does anyone know because I don't and it is not a good feeling. Please God just help me get through this as I can not do it by myself.